Equanimity

The definition of equanimity as I understand it is: mental calm, composure and serenity in challenging situations.  Of course as with most definitions of broad terms, I find that to be an over simplification, but that is a fair place to begin.  Equanimity as practice is not nearly as simple as it sounds (really, that is the big theme for me with Buddhist practice, it all sounds so simple, then the monkey mind takes over, and the experience is wholly different).  There is a great dharma talk by Larry Ward on Equanimity that I used to listen to at least once a week generally while I was driving through Los Angeles, because it seemed most appropriate; within the talk, he says that driving is great equanimity practice.  A big misunderstanding about equanimity is that it means indifference, but the exact opposite is actually true; it is presence so deep that peace is possible (also from Larry’s talk).

Have you found yourself in situations where the urge to lash out is almost too much? Or where you are overwhelmed by the energy around you (can be positive, negative, nervous, or anywhere between)?

Equanimity is one of the four sublime states in Buddhism, and by cultivating it; we can help to alleviate our suffering. Thich Nhat Hanh says (in The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching, p. 161) that the Sanskrit word upeksha means “equanimity, nonattachment, nondiscrimination, even-mindedness, or letting go. Upa means ‘over,’ and iksh means ‘to look.’ You climb the mountain to be able to look over the whole situation, not bound by one side or the other.”

It is so much easier to be reactionary and emotional in the face of both pleasant and unpleasant experiences; to take inherently personal the energies that are thrown around. At one point early in my practice, I had a mantra for dealing with a particularly unpleasant supervisor: “do not own it if it is not yours”. It was my second experience dealing with someone who was incredibly passive aggressive and I found practice to be incredibly helpful.  On the flip side, it can also be easy to glaze over or disregard the pleasant experiences, always looking forward or back to try to capture (or recapture) without noticing the beauty in the present, not being gracious in interactions with others.

Some great places for equanimity practice include travel (any kind really, but airplane travel especially lately is exceptional); driving – as much as you think that everyone else is there in your way, you are also keeping them from getting where they need to go; grocery shopping, because it is only when you are in a hurry that the lines are long or the aisles are packed; and really, equanimity practice is applicable everywhere, with everyone.

Another great way of looking at equanimity practice is that all beings have their own karma to work out. Individual happiness or unhappiness depends on our own actions or in-actions, and everyone has to do the work for themselves.  This can be very difficult or very easy to put into practice. I find that I would like to help to alleviate the suffering of others, but it is a fine walk on the tightrope to where my happiness and balance can be disrupted to attempt to see to the end of suffering for others. I now try to listen when friends or family (or strangers on a plane, or at a bus stop, etc.) need to talk through their “stuff” and send them loving kindness, but not judge, not intervene (sometimes that is SUPER difficult) and acknowledge that we are all on our own paths, working out our own stuff. Our stuff is not better, not worse, but looking over everything, we are all here together.

How do you view equanimity? Is it a regular part of your practice?

Undefended heart

What would it look like to live with an undefended heart? We have a myriad of defense mechanisms that we utilize every day to block ourselves from being hurt. We also have the basic defense mechanisms of fight, flight or freeze. For the longest time, I knew that I did not fit necessarily into the fight or flight categories, but I somehow had missed the discussions about freeze; now that was something with which I could identify. I even recognized the physical manifestations of freeze within my body: there would be a rolling sensation up the back of my neck, like a rolling momentary paralysis, and a tightening of my stomach that would sink as if someone had thrown a boulder into my gut.

 

We build this armor. We craft it ourselves; we build walls against every slight, every dig, and with every scar. We have the capacity to continue to build this armor, or these walls for our entire lifetime. There are, of course, other options. We can choose to engage in practice to heal and release the defenses of our own hearts. This is not an easy practice; it is incredibly difficult to face our own insecurities, vulnerabilities and humanity but then to show our most authentic and shield-less selves to others may seem incredibly daunting. I have been making a part of my practice to show up with my heart open and undefended, and it is not easy. Maybe you have experienced this either during or after retreat, where you feel as if your skin is inside out and all of the nerves and emotions and sensations are out there for all to brush against? Have you found it deepening your practice? For how long were you able to remain in this undefended heart space?

 

Of course, as with most practice, there is expansion and contraction (kind of like universal red shift/blue shift).  So before long, you may need to work again to return to the space of the undefended heart; and much like cushion time, it may take a while for it to catch, or maybe it is not your path at this time, or you find the defensive posture back behind the armor and the walls. My experience has been kind of mixed. If I allow the time and space and kindness to myself to allow for re-entry, I can go longer with my heart undefended. Unfortunately, there are also times when I do not allow for time and space and kindness, and I find lots of tears and my armor slams back on uncomfortably and I tend to lash out (because as one of my teachers says; hurt people, hurt people). I am almost always immediately reticent, but it does not make it better, because even when the conversation is only internal, it takes a while to forgive myself. Every day I begin again to open myself a little bit more, and work to expose my heart to all that is present.

 

 

 

What would it mean for you to be able to live with an undefended heart? 

 

Impermanence

 

Everything is forever changing. When we cling to any one idea or thing or person or situation, we manifest our own suffering. One of my favorite stories from one of my teachers about impermanence is that he was on a first date and talking about impermanence, how everything changes and nothing is forever with this date. They later married and have two children now, but even getting married can be a little tricky if you think about it (I vow to love, honor and cherish you…until I don’t anymore). In my head clinging and impermanence go hand in hand. The more you cling to something or someone, the more impermanent that thing can become. This also comes back around to being present (see how all of these things circle around back together again?). If you remain present, with the perspective of gratitude, and without clinging, you will be happy, right?

The reality once again is that life is messy. Our minds take these meandering paths and tell stories about our experiences, and where we will find happiness; if we are ready for happiness with another person, or if some material possession will make us happy.  Personally, I am at an interesting crossroads with the idea of material possessions. I have been working on cutting out back on the “stuff” I accumulate. I tend to think pretty carefully about getting more “stuff”. I have lots of stuff. I have travelled quite a bit, and I am of the age where I am facing the impermanence of some of my close family members and their “stuff” issues. My parents have gone through quite a bit of heart-wrenching work to clear out my grandmother’s home and she does not want to part with any of her “stuff”.  For a long time, every time they would tell me about the loads of donations they were making, or asking if I wanted something from her house, I would feel compelled to come home and get rid of a box of my own stuff. I am also a horrible collector of things that I would like to restore, repair, or cling to for some sentimental value. I have an embarrassing number of pieces of furniture that fit into this category.

 

Relationships are another area where this clinging and attachment can cause incredible suffering. Communication within relationships is tricky. Uncertainty is common in the navigation of any relationship. I consider myself to have been quite fortunate to have friends who are couples who have made it through a great deal of change through the course of their lives together. None of them are “perfect”, there is much navigation and discussion, but they have stood the test of time, and are still subject to change and impermanence. At best, the people in the relationships deepen in their love and support of one another in their practice of being in changing relationships. A down side can be when there is much fear and insecurity (which actually is a form of fear) which can cause one to lash out in anger or retreat. One of the great aspects of practice with community in the hypothetical boundaries of the sangha, is that we are supposed to not leave if there is conflict within the community. Unfortunately, that does not seem to be the case outside of the hypothetical. We walk away a lot. We continue with the story, and we continue with the hurt. Everything is impermanent. Be grateful for the present moment. 

Writing the Story

 

I have a dear friend who likes to write the stories of interactions with others. We have been talking about this for decades now. This is not a phenomenon limited to this friend; we all write the stories of the scenarios of how a certain situation is going to work out. We write the stories of our past, and of our future. We assign judgment of how words and actions are intended from snapshots in time; we can get stuck in what we deserve and what our worth is in relationship to others. There is potential for much damage to ourselves and others with writing these stories. What if we were to remain in the present moment without writing stories? What if we sit with the way that it looks right now and stay with that breath, into the next breath, and the next?  Letting go of the ghosts of our past, and leaving the expectations of the future to only what is now? What would that look like?

This is not to say that we should not make plans, we should not have aspirations, or expectations of ourselves or others.  It is challenging to let go of the stories we have written for ourselves, that we should be married, have children, and the career by a certain time; that our partner will look like this, our relationship will look like that, and our children will be well behaved, well adjusted and perfect, all wrapped in a box with a bow on top.

The reality is that life is messy. We spend a great deal of time feeling like we are not good enough, not smart enough, not good looking enough, and we write the stories.

Here is where the stories can become problematic: at the beginning of a new job, we write the story about how everyone will know that we actually have no idea what we are doing, and we will be the worst employee ever; at the beginning of a relationship, we write the story of how it will look months down the road, what will be the demise, how we will ruin it just like we have every other relationship we have ever had; at the beginning of group meditation we look around and are sure that every single other person has the practice down and we are the only one with monkey mind issues. Does this ring familiar with anyone else?

Take a breath. Follow the in-breath through slowly and then the out-breath.

What has actually happened when you have held on to a story and had it play out totally different than the script you had crafted? Do you have a tendency to go directly to the absolute worst case scenario? The one where instead of a happy reason for getting a phone call late at night, someone you love has been in a horrible accident? How about when a friend says that they need to talk to you, they are going to tell you that they cannot be your friend anymore, but it is actually something very far more benevolent? My favorite scenario is group meditation; when you are sweating it out on the cushion, convinced that the bell is never going to ring, your legs have fallen asleep, the thoughts are coming as if delivered by fire hose from all directions and you cannot possibly follow a breath in either direction; then with the sharing after the sit it comes out that you were not alone in your urge to bolt to go anywhere but where you are sitting at that very moment.

Maybe, just maybe, part of our practice could be to set the story aside and focus on being present for just one day? 

Compassion/Self-Care

Compassion teachings are fundamental in Buddhism. Compassion is simplest defined in my head as “co” or together, and “passion” meaning strong feeling. If we have together a strong feeling for others, where we can see others in pain or distress, and recognize our own pain, or our own experiences. No one has a corner on suffering; however no two people have the exact same experience with suffering. I find it to be slightly distressing when I hear someone say “well, that is nothing compared to what I went through” because everyone has their own process for dealing with what comes up in life (or on the cushion for that matter). In that same vein, the reverse is also true; I try not to look at someone else and say “well, what I am in the middle of is minuscule compared to what they are”.

The challenging part of compassion for me (and I am thinking for lots of us) is to also have compassion for self.  The ability to recognize and take the time to take care of ourselves is often not a priority with the way that our society has evolved. I have had to make a conscious effort to readjust my life; the changes to take the time to find some sort of balance between work, play, and the increasingly important spiritual bits, and to redefine what I want my life to look like in the long term as opposed to short term hopping from one week to the next. As my practice evolved, so did my priorities.  Weekends for me used to look like stretches of non-work for a living time, but there was little structure, little socialization, and few outings. I then lost my job, and had some real downward spiral issues going on, but eventually my life changed drastically. I became very close friends with people from the UU Fellowship where I belong, and my circles grew. I had stretches of time where I took long looks at the actions that had gotten me to where I was; I began to tear down the walls of my world that did not work for me any longer and build up the life I sought. One of the consequences was that where I had random expanses of unscheduled time with little motivation, I now had many joyful community related activities, including going to Deer Park, and my local Sangha (of which I am now a Steward). As my life transitioned, the priorities I once held in high esteem drifted away and I focused more on simplification of my life. This simplification for me was a major cornerstone of self-care and self-compassion.

A couple of questions: What do you want your life to look like? What do you do to take care of yourself? Are you able to slow down? Are you able to see the ways that we are all more similar than different? How does your story of pain and suffering define you? What about your story of love and belonging?

Forgiveness

Within Buddhist teachings, Forgiveness can be looked upon as a practice of cultivating release from delusion and suffering (really, is made to sound so very simple).

Forgiveness can seem to be a huge and daunting process. If I may offer a little advice: do not allow it be the tidal wave that it may seem. Perhaps you can start small, with the person who cut you off in traffic, or the dog for pulling your favourite shirt out of the laundry.  Maybe you had unkind (unskillful) words with a friend; can you ask for forgiveness of yourself and then ask for your friend to forgive you as well? It is said that the three hardest statements to make are: I am sorry, I need help, and I love you. What does it take for you to forgive yourself? What about others? And please note, forgiving someone does not mean that if you are forgiving someone who has treated you poorly, that you are allowing carte blanche to your life as if nothing ever happened. Please do not confuse forgiveness with being a doormat. What it can mean is that you are releasing their bond to you. This will not happen instantly. What this has looked like for me is a very cyclical journey.  I go through phases of hurt, and anger, and compassion toward those with whom I have interactions. What I work toward is shortening the time it takes to free myself of the hurt and anger and get to the forgiveness part. That is the part that I love the best; when my heart is free to be fully open.

One of my teachers (Pablo Das) gave out at the end of a dharma talk a sticker that says “Forgive Everyone Everything”.  I have meditated on that for months now. What I know from my practice is that in order for me to forgive anyone else for anything else, the most important person for me to forgive is me. I make mistakes all of the time. I am regularly unskillful in my words and approach to situations. I have been practicing for about ten years now, and I have found that softening towards me is yet another part of the path.  The more I pay attention, return to my breath, consider my words before I speak, the more compassionate my views toward others.

I would love to hear from you on what forgiveness means to you. What makes it difficult to forgive yourself? What makes it difficult to forgive others?  (These may seem like redundant questions to the ones above, but they are not). What does the process look like for you?

Buddhist teaching offers the eight-fold path as a guide to the end of suffering, but I find that it is also a path to self forgiveness.

Please see below the eight-fold path (at some point these will be discussed at length):

-Right View

-Right Intention

-Right Speech

-Right Action

-Right Livelihood

-Right Effort

-Right Mindfulness

-Right Concentration

Dipping in slowly…beginning the wheel.

We are all on a journey. Where we go and what we do with it is completely and totally up to us. Here is the thing about that journey, we fail. We fail A LOT. Every single one of us. This journey we call life is fraught with suffering, pain, decisions, loss, and fear; but it is also filled with joy, happiness, contentment, peace, beauty and love. We are exposed every day to people treating each other horribly, to violence and discrimination which are both overt and covert. How can we make the transition to the place where we can ease our own suffering, and through that gut-wrenching painful work also learn to possibly help to ease the pain of others? This is a little area where perhaps we can explore these and many other questions. Welcome. You have arrived. You are home.