I have a dear friend who likes to write the stories of interactions with others. We have been talking about this for decades now. This is not a phenomenon limited to this friend; we all write the stories of the scenarios of how a certain situation is going to work out. We write the stories of our past, and of our future. We assign judgment of how words and actions are intended from snapshots in time; we can get stuck in what we deserve and what our worth is in relationship to others. There is potential for much damage to ourselves and others with writing these stories. What if we were to remain in the present moment without writing stories? What if we sit with the way that it looks right now and stay with that breath, into the next breath, and the next? Letting go of the ghosts of our past, and leaving the expectations of the future to only what is now? What would that look like?
This is not to say that we should not make plans, we should not have aspirations, or expectations of ourselves or others. It is challenging to let go of the stories we have written for ourselves, that we should be married, have children, and the career by a certain time; that our partner will look like this, our relationship will look like that, and our children will be well behaved, well adjusted and perfect, all wrapped in a box with a bow on top.
The reality is that life is messy. We spend a great deal of time feeling like we are not good enough, not smart enough, not good looking enough, and we write the stories.
Here is where the stories can become problematic: at the beginning of a new job, we write the story about how everyone will know that we actually have no idea what we are doing, and we will be the worst employee ever; at the beginning of a relationship, we write the story of how it will look months down the road, what will be the demise, how we will ruin it just like we have every other relationship we have ever had; at the beginning of group meditation we look around and are sure that every single other person has the practice down and we are the only one with monkey mind issues. Does this ring familiar with anyone else?
Take a breath. Follow the in-breath through slowly and then the out-breath.
What has actually happened when you have held on to a story and had it play out totally different than the script you had crafted? Do you have a tendency to go directly to the absolute worst case scenario? The one where instead of a happy reason for getting a phone call late at night, someone you love has been in a horrible accident? How about when a friend says that they need to talk to you, they are going to tell you that they cannot be your friend anymore, but it is actually something very far more benevolent? My favorite scenario is group meditation; when you are sweating it out on the cushion, convinced that the bell is never going to ring, your legs have fallen asleep, the thoughts are coming as if delivered by fire hose from all directions and you cannot possibly follow a breath in either direction; then with the sharing after the sit it comes out that you were not alone in your urge to bolt to go anywhere but where you are sitting at that very moment.
Maybe, just maybe, part of our practice could be to set the story aside and focus on being present for just one day?
luminouscompassion 